I am broken-hearted,
feel discarded,
feel unwanted and disregarded.
But suddenly
in a moment of perfect clarity,
my soul opens, and I see:
What we want
is a private hope,
a personal flame of desire,
and what we want
may be the water
that quenches someone else’s fire.


Finding Radiance

“In old religions, it’s taught that going into the center of the daunting is the way through, not avoidance. This secret ought not be secret: At the center of dreaded things is radiance entrapped. If one can brave to the center of this in oneself or others: hatred, outrage, disgust, jealousy, grief, hopelessness, one can most often see and set the radiance free.”

“She sat with her pain, and in her warm embrace, it melted until she came through to the other side where everything was poetry…”

A Prayer

Refuse to fall down.
If you cannot refuse to fall down,
refuse to stay down.
If you cannot refuse to stay down,
lift your heart toward heaven,
and like a hungry beggar,
ask that it be filled,
and it will be filled.
You may be pushed down.
You may be kept from rising.
But no one can keep you
from lifting your heart
toward heaven—
only you.
It is in the middle of misery
that so much becomes clear.
The one who says nothing good
came of this,
is not yet listening.

Clarissa Pinkola Estes

It is time.

I have been contemplating getting back into the blogging habit for a while now. Perhaps it’s just the rose-tinted glasses that hindsight wears, but it seemed as if my life had more coherence when I was blogging.

Since about mid 2008, writing of any sort has seemed to be blocked for me. It was a terrible year for me, and my inspiration and inclination to write dwindled down to nothing. I didn’t feel inspired and I didn’t feel interesting enough to justify the words I was using in my writing. In short, I felt like a fraud, a fake. I didn’t feel like I had any right to be writing. Added to that were one or two unpleasant people I had managed to attract into my world. A small amount of hate mail from the one, and a thoughtless but deeply wounding comment from another halted any inspiration to write in its tracks.

I had also become disillusioned with sharing my thoughts and emotions in such a public way, for so many strangers to read. I began writing for an audience. Instead of improving my writing, this made it shallower and, to me, lacking in personal authenticity. I think, on subtly conscious level, I was taking note of which entries drew the most comments, and writing more and more of those kinds of posts. Total sell-out!

Here we are, halfway through 2010 and I can once again feel that old compulsion to put words onto paper. I have stories waiting to be born. Words want to perform intricate, intimate dances for me, and bear luscious fruit to sweeten and delight my mind and emotions. I have dreams I need to articulate so that they can walk the world and grow ripe and burst forth tiny seeds of new ideas. Fervent syllables are crowding inside my mind, leaking out in little ways as I type this right now…

So, another dip in the blogging pool. Another little blogging fish in a big, big sea of barracuda. Here I am again, hoping to document my life, my thoughts, dreams, and creative distractions. Perhaps I’ll entertain or comfort one or two other people – although it won’t matter too much if nobody ever reads this, either.