another suicide note

i know you don’t want to read
this dusty, scribbled note
on a scrap of paper,
and pushed between the pages
of a notebook filled with similar scrawls
that don’t make sense to you.

i know you don’t want to feel
the prickling of tears,
as you read a snapshot
of words.
a window into the rhythm of my heart ,
the pulse of my mind

but please read it.
it may hold
the reasons why i cried,
the reasons i had such
downcast eyes ,
or at the very least
a reason.

the weight of living
sometimes pulls me
into the deeper waters
of what it means to be human.
the ugliness and quick joy,
the scars that never quite fade.

and if you read my words,
remember my quick smile,
my bright angry eyes,
and the way i whispered
into the crook of your neck
in the darkness.

remember my loud laughter
and the way i always
chewed the end of my braid.
and how i loved to sing
off key nonsense
just to make you smile.

remember how fiercely i loved,
how desperately i cried
when i couldn’t save a baby bird
exiled from its nest.

remember the laughter
and the tears.
through all the years
that our lives walked
the same path.

my messy, dreamy days.
and the way i said your name.



Clarity of thought.
I crave you.
Yearning in my soul’s deep core
I breathe you,
Stumbling over your sweet memory
I recall:
The night we shared one kiss.
So that it seemed as two.
I want
So much more than this.
What is allowed,
Is not a shadow of desire.
What is allowed,
Will never sate my hunger.
Slake my thirst.
Allow me
One final look in your eyes.
Allow me
One last taste of your spirit.


When we walk in nostalgia, we are opening up memories like musty, almost forgotten love letters. We find dried flowers pressed between the pages of a book, their sweet scent all but gone, crumbling at the lightest touch, as if the vitality of the memory itself is gone from these reminders.

Those poignant memories that make you stop and breathe a little deeper. Recalling days past with a sigh and a  bittersweet smile. The dull and distant ache of pain and regret floods us, and is just as consuming as the faded joy we feel, at memories of happiness. Both good and bad, happy and sad make tears prick at the backs of our eyes and our throats become tight with all the words it’s now too late for us to utter.


I can’t forget

I can’t forget you:
fevered thoughts of you
fill my every waking moment.
Memories cloud my mind:
your wicked eyes, your smile,
the deep, secret smell of you.

I can’t forget you:
your touch burns in my mind,
your voice sings in my heart.
The way you say my name
echoes eternally in my ear,
thrilling me.

I can’t forget you:
your hot, hungry kiss,
sharp salt taste of your skin.
And the wonder of us
laying naked and rapt,
exploring each other.

I can’t forget you.
I don’t want to.

Love’s Memory

I’ve drunk from memory to find you in my past.
Remembering nights when we sat till dawn
Drinking sweet red wine, from crystal glass,
Eyes flashing, teeth flashing, laughing.

I’ve opened old books to find you.
Recalling the crackle of page, crackle of fire
As we read in silence, side by side,
Glancing one at the other, and offering smiles.

I’ve walked dark roads to find you in my past.
Calling down empty corridors in my mind.
Looking into dusty rooms to catch your eye,
And shining, shining a light all the while.