Dear Brave Souls…
“Many of us have all our lives been toiling against a rock wall, trying to break through for justice’ sake, to flow through, instead of being ‘walled off’.
“Eventually even the most stalwart souls begin to question, ‘I can see now, in one lifetime, I cannot completely penetrate this stone.’
…”And we think then, maybe we ought go to the gates of the city and wrent our clothes, and then quietly retire from the universe.
“But open your eyes, Soul. See how far through those familiares, your human relatives who came in waves of misery and compassion before you… have already bored more than halfway through this stubborn rock.Read More »
“In old religions, it’s taught that going into the center of the daunting is the way through, not avoidance. This secret ought not be secret: At the center of dreaded things is radiance entrapped. If one can brave to the center of this in oneself or others: hatred, outrage, disgust, jealousy, grief, hopelessness, one can most often see and set the radiance free.”
“She sat with her pain, and in her warm embrace, it melted until she came through to the other side where everything was poetry…”
Refuse to fall down.
If you cannot refuse to fall down,
refuse to stay down.
If you cannot refuse to stay down,
lift your heart toward heaven,
and like a hungry beggar,
ask that it be filled,
and it will be filled.
You may be pushed down.
You may be kept from rising.
But no one can keep you
from lifting your heart
It is in the middle of misery
that so much becomes clear.
The one who says nothing good
came of this,
is not yet listening.
Clarissa Pinkola Estes
Years ago, I came to terms with the fact that I am a Healer. I am put here to transform and transmute other people’s pain.
I came to this conclusion, because the only people I ever seem to attract into my life are the broken ones. The ones that need all the tenderness and love that I can pour out onto them. They bask, they glow, they find themselves once more, and once they are healed, they go on their way.
Of course, they never look back. If they did, they would see me vainly trying to cope with yet another broken soul’s baggage left behind.
I suppose that in some ways, I bring it upon myself. I find the broken people and I help to put them back together, but I seem to neglect to keep myself intact while I’m mending and soothing.You see, I have a fatal flaw. I love too deeply, too completely, and with everything that I have. I love the people who are unable to love me back.
Each person who comes into my life, receives everything that I have to offer. I spin a safe cocoon of tenderness where they feel able to put themselves back together without judgment, without fear of falling. Once the cocoon is no longer needed, they break free, their soul’s metamorphosis complete, and they flutter away.
It’s frustrating, it’s lonely, and oh, it hurts.
I have been contemplating getting back into the blogging habit for a while now. Perhaps it’s just the rose-tinted glasses that hindsight wears, but it seemed as if my life had more coherence when I was blogging.
Since about mid 2008, writing of any sort has seemed to be blocked for me. It was a terrible year for me, and my inspiration and inclination to write dwindled down to nothing. I didn’t feel inspired and I didn’t feel interesting enough to justify the words I was using in my writing. In short, I felt like a fraud, a fake. I didn’t feel like I had any right to be writing. Added to that were one or two unpleasant people I had managed to attract into my world. A small amount of hate mail from the one, and a thoughtless but deeply wounding comment from another halted any inspiration to write in its tracks.
I had also become disillusioned with sharing my thoughts and emotions in such a public way, for so many strangers to read. I began writing for an audience. Instead of improving my writing, this made it shallower and, to me, lacking in personal authenticity. I think, on subtly conscious level, I was taking note of which entries drew the most comments, and writing more and more of those kinds of posts. Total sell-out!
Here we are, halfway through 2010 and I can once again feel that old compulsion to put words onto paper. I have stories waiting to be born. Words want to perform intricate, intimate dances for me, and bear luscious fruit to sweeten and delight my mind and emotions. I have dreams I need to articulate so that they can walk the world and grow ripe and burst forth tiny seeds of new ideas. Fervent syllables are crowding inside my mind, leaking out in little ways as I type this right now…
So, another dip in the blogging pool. Another little blogging fish in a big, big sea of barracuda. Here I am again, hoping to document my life, my thoughts, dreams, and creative distractions. Perhaps I’ll entertain or comfort one or two other people – although it won’t matter too much if nobody ever reads this, either.